I titled the last post judgment but got rushed and didn't blog about what I was thinking about. I had the hardest time breastfeeding Paxton. It drained me. Daily. But we got the hang of it, kind of. No matter what we did, my supply would not increase. It didn't decrease, but it wasn't enough to encourage healthy weight gain. Now, you wouldn't know that now by looking at him as he is quite the handsome beefcake, but it wasn't easy. No. It wasn't.
I said that I know better now and it'd all be different this time. But again, despite best efforts, I'm right back to where I started with Paxton. I would consider myself an experienced and intelligent nurser, as I did more research and saw more lactation consultants and tried every method out there with Paxton. But it seems my body does not feel that it actually needs to fully feed my baby. I don't know why. I was finally told I am one of a small statistic...I truly have a supply issue. I pump as much as I can but it's still not enough (and it's really hard to sit for 20 minutes several times a day within close proximity to an electrical outlet with Paxton running around and Emory wanting mommy as well). Anyway. I said I wouldn't beat myself up this time, but agian, I did (and still have insecurities about it). Who knew that something so...out of my control....could have such an effect on me. I mean, what's a mom to do? Feed her kid, that's what. I tried to convince everyone it was fine and he didn't need to supplement. I cried at the lactation consultants office. I cried when we got out the bottles to wash. I cried when I bought the first box of formula. I cried when he got his first bottle. And then I cried when I realized my poor baby was hungry and I saw how happy he was when he was full. Needless to say, I cried.
So, Judgement?
I went to Wal-Mart to pick up a small can of Enfamil Lipil. I stared at the cans. I looked around. Looked over my shoulder. Left the aisle and went back to it. I just *KNEW* someone was watching me and judging me for failing my child. I know, I know. I didn't fail. And we are still nursing several times a day. And he's still getting the best stuff I have to offer. But it wasn't enough. And everyone in that store (all 30 people, it was late) was watching me and thinking I was a bad mom. Who thinks like that? Now it's no secret that I cloth diaper, and breastfeed and keep my babies rear facing longer and delay some vaccinations and all that "hippy" stuff. And in those communities people breastfeed. Until their babies are like, 12. And I just knew that those online communities were watching me in wal-mart too. Watching me buy that "poison" that I was going to kill my child with. And then he wouldn't be as smart or something stupid like that. How can so many emotions come from this? I just don't know. Man, I have issues! But really, I'm getting better and I give him that bottle after almost every meal (unless daddy is home, then Daddy does it!) and it took me much less time this go round to just be thankful that there is a healthy option out there to keep my baby healthy. Emory is happy (well, most of the time), healthy and already in his 3 month sleepers! He's getting what he needs. Some from me, some from formula, and either way...I'm happy :)
On a different note, Paxton has his two year old molars in. At least 2 of them are fully through (and we had no clue???) and two are making their way. He has been quite whiney lately and I think this is why. Bless his baby heart. I'm just thankful this is the last of the last!
His birthday party is this weekend. I can't wait :)
No pictures this time, sorry! But I'll try to keep up more!
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